Thursday, March 09, 2006

Fear

One of the hardest things about living with epilepsy is the fear of seizures. This is so hard for your caretakers, family, and friends... The last thing they want to happen is have their loved one falling to the floor and half-dying from a gran-mal seizure. More often than not, when I have a generalized tonic-clonic seizure I end up smashing my head into something very hard or sharp and end up with bruises, cuts, and blood on the floor. Probably the only good thing about it is that you are unconcious before you hit. Evidently it is much worse for those around you... and very scary.

For me, the fear of having a seizure is very real, and one that I have to deal with daily. What if I fall and die today? If I follow the "what if" line of reasoning too long, it can be overwhelming... What if I have a seizure while walking accross the street? What if I have a seizure while wallking down a flight of stairs? What will happen if I have a seizure in the middle of a presentation to 50 of my co-workers? Carried too far, I would simply have to stay in my bed and never leave. My method: just avoid thinking about it altogether. Which makes me bold and seemingly dismissive of the worries of my family and friends.

It seems to really bother them that I don't appear to care about what happens to me... I do care though, it is just that taking too much interest in my self preservation would paralize me with fear. I'm no wise man, but all this worrying cant be good... in the words of Master Yoda: "Fear is the way to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."


How can you maintain a healthy level of caution about your life without becoming overly fearful... How can you avoid this fear from becoming a burden on your soul? I don't know...

2 comments:

Rusty said...

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your inner thoughts. For those of us who know you and love you it provides a window into your feelings and fears. For those who read this who have epilepsy it voices what they may be unable to voice for themselves. It is tempting to want to make it all well for you with some words of comfort or “wisdom”. But of course that is not possible. So I will just tell you that I admire your courage in dealing with the epilepsy, I admire your courage to write this post and with a few tears in my eyes I say Thank You. Mom.

Kim M said...

I completely understand this FEAR and thank you for sharing your thoughts on it...i know it must be more difficult for those around me to see it than for me to experience it--but for me when say it's cold and i take the dogs out the what if's pop into my head as well....Thanks for sharing these thoughts...and i so enjoy your blog